Discovering What I Want (Plus a Few Road Blocks)

What I want
The new year inspired me to assess what I really want for my career. For the first time in 4 years, I'm a freelancer (by choice) and in the unique position to execute my own vision. Sounds awesome, right?...Well, kind of. It's also freaking scary as hell! There was something really comforting about having a full-time TV job. I may have had to wake up at 3 AM to deliver the morning news, but 3 cups of coffee and a whole lot of makeup later, I had the instant gratification of executing a show each and every day.

That chapter of my life was necessary and very rewarding. But since it's my goal to have my own talk show some day, I knew it would eventually be time to make the leap to Los Angeles where I could start branding myself as an individual and pitching my ideas to networks. June 2014 was that time.

Despite knowing deep down I made the right move, I found myself at the end of the year browsing the internet for local TV jobs, longing for the safety and familiarity I recently had.

Self-doubt crept in, and I start asking myself: Am I cut out for this? Is it worth it?? Why are you doing this to yourself???

If you've followed my career the past 6 months, you may be wondering how I could have felt this way. I met my goal of regularly working in-studio for E! and hosting on major red carpets. These gigs were more in alignment with what I want than any job I'd had before--so what's the fuss?

The discomfort lies in having had security versus now being in the unknown.

I'm often in a position where I have no idea when the next gig will come, conjuring up many emotions.

After working through a few rough days, I am once again confident in my new path and no longer see going back to local news as an option.

I've chosen to embrace my fear and have faith that I will have another abundant year.

Here's how I came to this point:

1) I let my emotions direct me, not control me

“Fear is good. Like self-doubt, fear is an indicator. Fear tells us what we have to do." -Steven Pressfield

The unknown is a breading ground for many negative emotions: fear, jealousy, sadness, etc. This is normal, and not necessarily a problem. The key is being in control of your emotions and not letting your emotions be in control of you. In fact, we can use our emotions to help direct us to what we want!

Example- What scared me the most was what I wanted the most. I was fearful this dream of having my own talk show wouldn't become a reality. Instead of allowing my fear to stop me, my awareness of my fear inspired me to work harder.

2) I'm shooting for the moon, and not looking to the stars as an option

"Being realistic is the most commonly traveled road to mediocrity." -Will Smith

Let's not be afraid to dream big and go for the precise job we want--not a lesser version of it. Shoot for the moon, and don't look to the stars as an option.

Example- If I had stayed in local TV (or went back to it), I would have chosen what Julia Cameron calls a "shadow career". It would have had many similar characteristics to the job I feel called to, but I would be settling.

3) I got still and listened to my inner voice

“Stillness is where creativity and solutions to problems are found.” -Eckhart Tolle

We live in a world full of loud opinions. Whether it's our own crazy chatter, the world's or our family and friend's, it's very easy to internalize unproductive thoughts that surround us. The only way we can get in touch with our true feelings is to sit in stillness with ourselves.

Example- One of my new year's resolutions is to meditate 10 minutes a day, do yoga twice a week and journal most days. Already in one short week, I feel more connected to my inner voice and more confident in my calling. Hence I felt the need to write about it 🙂 

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